Femininity Rewrite
by firedraygon
Summary: Naruto accidentally comes in contact with a potion that yields disastrous results. How will he and Kyuubi handle another persona cropping up on their turf, who threatens to launder all of Konoha? And no, we're not talking money here. Everyone x Naruto
1. Chapter 1

**AN**: Holy crap, it's been 5 years since I last touched this story. I'm rewriting everything to match my new style and also to introduce **MAJOR CHANGES**. Enjoy. Thanks goes to kylekatarn77 for prodding me about updating, otherwise it would've been another 5 years.

I wanted to keep this as canon as possible, but that would mean Naruto would be 12 and that would be weird if I ever wanted to make this any higher than PG-13/T. So yes, this is now an AU where the rookies are all 16 and Sasuke was successfully retrieved a year ago but is under probation. He's also not such a huge prick.

Inner!Naruto only exists in his narrative and is no longer separated by fancy punctuation. I find it less obnoxious that way.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto.

* * *

**Femininity (Rewrite)**

Chapter 1

* * *

Kakashi glanced up from his latest edition of _Icha Icha Paradise_ and sighed. He'd have figured the three would've matured after three years of training under their own personal Sannin instructors, but that was apparently hoping too much.

"Naruto, stop dicking around!"

"Haha, c'mon bastard, let's -- !"

Naruto wasn't able to finish issuing his challenge to Sasuke before he was knocked into a tree courtesy of Sakura's fist. Of course, this knocked the tree over and sent the shopping bags flying through the air. Sasuke quietly caught them before they fell and the eggs broke, which Kakashi heartily approved – it wouldn't do to fail the mission on account of eggs.

The blond tenderly rubbed his swelling cheek. "Sakuraaaa…" Yup, the whine was definitely the same.

Sakura smirked. "You deserved it. Right, Sasuke?"

"Hn."

"You bastard!" Naruto directed to Sasuke. Then to Sakura: "You two are always ganging up on me."

"All right everyone, we're almost there," Kakashi interrupted. As amusing as his former students were, anything further than this harmless bickering and the landscape would change pretty dramatically. Sakura did not learn to think first and punch later from her master.

Naruto grumbled and yanked his bags back from Sasuke.

After hopping across a few more trees, the group entered a clearing with a small, dilapidated hut. White smoke puffed cheerily from the chimney, indicating that someone did indeed live there.

"I suppose this is where we're delivering the groceries," Sakura stated, hefting up her paper bag so it fit more comfortably in the hook of her arm. She'd adamantly insisted paper, not plastic, which was probably due to her boyfriend and his talk of Keeping the World Beautiful for the Future Youth of Tomorrow!

Kakashi was sick of hearing Gai gush about how his lovely student was so environmentally conscious. He felt just a little sorry for Sakura. The lecture he'd gotten after throwing his empty can into the garbage instead of the recycle bin still echoed in his ears late at night. As if he didn't have other things to feel guilty over.

"This is it! Hmmm, eight hours. It took us longer than I expected," Kakashi mused.

Sakura rolled her eyes, Naruto muttered about shortcuts under his breath, and Sasuke was staring at some pebble on the ground. The red light from the sunset barely filtered through the branches surrounding the clearing. It would be dark soon.

Suddenly, an elderly woman stuck her head out the window. "Took you all bloody long enough! I needed those eggs hours ago!"

The front door was flung open and she came outside. She was about the same height as Naruto, who was still shorter than the average 16-year old regardless of how much milk he drank, and she had her white hair pulled back into a tight bun. Small reading glasses half-way down her nose gave the impression of a typical frail granny, but the tight lines at the edges of her pursed lips clearly meant she wouldn't be taking slack from anybody.

Kakashi quelled the urge to use Excuse No. 34, the one about black cats and tentacle monsters (he suspected the woman would not be amused), and mentally delegated Sakura the task of dealing with their client. She had experience in staying polite when angry old hags -- Kakashi quickly scanned the clearing for Hokage robes -- needed placating. Naruto and Sasuke wisely took a step back, leaving their team mate in the line of fire.

"We're very sorry for the delay, ma'am," Sakura said politely, with a perfectly staged tone of regret. Her eyebrows drew up to give her that distressed look that worked so well when she needed to ask Tsunade-sama for a favour. Oh, she was good.

The old woman scowled, but Kakashi could tell the fight had gone out of her. Whether she actually fell for Sakura's bit of acting or if she just couldn't bother with it all this late in the evening, who knew.

"Fine, very well, get those bags inside. Then wash up out back and set up the table. The quiche will have to wait until tomorrow, but the stew's been ready for a while now."

This met with some surprised looks from the trio. Even Kakashi hadn't been expecting a free meal out of this, and a home-cooked dinner was much better than the alternative. It was tradition to rotate who cooked each time they had to light up a campfire, and Naruto's turn was tonight, which meant instant ramen.

"Don't just stand there like logs, get to it!"

Sakura led the boys into the house to drop off the bags in the kitchen. Naruto rushed back out and headed for the tiny well by the hut, followed by Sakura and Sasuke at a more reasonable pace.

"That means you, too, mister."

Kakashi jauntily saluted and nodded, "Inoue-san," as he walked passed to join the rest of his team.

* * *

Naruto rinsed the soap from his hands with the bucket water and dried them on his pants. He'd been looking forward to his miso ramen all day, but stew would be awesome, too. Besides, he figured he could have the noodles as a midnight snack later. He was still a growing boy no matter what that bastard Sasuke said.

It was nice, spending time together as Team 7 again. Kakashi-sensei probably thought it'd be funny to pull some strings and get them assigned to shop and deliver groceries. Naruto would've liked to tease Sasuke a bit more about how his first mission since being put under house arrest was a D-rank, but the look in Sakura's eyes warned that it would be too soon.

After three years, Naruto liked to think that he matured quite a bit.

Naruto's stomach growled. Right, time to eat.

He left the others and found his way back into the kitchen. The old lady was stirring a big pot on the stove. He leaned closer and inhaled deeply. "Granny, that smells good!"

"Bowls are in the top left cupboard, cups are on the dish rack, spoons are in the drawer."

Naruto grinned and began to set the small table. He paused when he realized something. "Hey, there's only 4 bowls here. And 2 spoons!"

"It's not like I get many guests, boy. Go check in there if you don't feel like sharing cutlery."

Naruto opened the door she'd jerked her head towards and spent a moment to gape at the mess. For such a small home, there was a heck of a lot of junk crammed into the closet. It was worse than in his apartment, though not before Sasuke came in and made him clean up when he borrowed a shirt from the older boy and gave it back with mold growing on it. Yeah, even he was a little grossed out by that.

He saw a small pile of bowls on the top shelf and stretched a bit to pick those out. Holding them under his arm, he rifled around the open boxes, trying to identify a spoon by touch.

Ouch! Naruto pulled his hand back, which knocked into an unsteady tower of boxes that went tumbling on his head. "Aghhh!"

When he managed to get out from under the mess, Naruto saw that Sasuke was standing by and Sakura had her fists in the ready position. She quickly lowered them.

"Naruto, you idiot!"

Naruto wiped his mouth with his palm and smeared blood from the cut onto his face, which he then wiped off with the back of his hand. Something'd spilled on him that made him smell like flowers. He smacked his lips – tasted like flowers, too. Weird.

The old lady came by next with her hands at her waist. "What's all this racket? You'd better clean this up before you even think of setting foot back in my kitchen, boy!"

Naruto grumbled. Who stored knives with the blade right side up anyway? His palm was already healed, so he wiped the blood away on his pants. He'd wash them later.

He righted the boxes and stuffed the contents back inside. Some forks and spoons were on the ground, so he picked up two and put them in the bowls that luckily didn't break from the fall. Satisfied that the closet looked no worse than before, he kept rearranging things to make it neater.

Wait, what?

Five minutes or so later, the closet was reorganized so that it looked slightly less like a battle zone and slightly more like a tidy storage space. Naruto noticed Sasuke smirking and glared. The bastard probably thought his obsessive cleaning habits were rubbing off on him. Naruto flipped him off and carried the bowls and spoons to the well to wash them, never mind that he almost never washed his dishes until living things started budding on them. Why, this one time…

Before he knew it, Naruto was back in the kitchen, finishing setting the table with the remaining sparkling clean cutlery. Sakura had already set out the cups and she, Sasuke, and Kakashi were seated at the cramped table. The old lady carried the steaming pot out and placed it on the creaking wood. She scooped herself a bowl and sat down before digging in. Everyone else hesitated.

"What, expecting better service? Just be happy I'm giving you any food at all, ingrates! Serve yourselves!"

Typically, Naruto was the first to take her on her offer and grabbed the ladle. But instead of filling his own bowl, he filled Kakashi-sensei's. And then Sasuke's. And then Sakura's. And when he finally filled his, he didn't fill it to the brim.

The rest of (former) Team 7 stared at him.

"Naruto, are you…feeling okay?" Sakura asked.

Naruto nodded slowly. He supposed he could get seconds after finishing his first serving. Man, he was starving. Just as he was reaching for his spoon, his hand overshot and grabbed the pitcher of water. With a strangled noise of frustration in the back of his throat, he filled all the cups on the table.

…What was going _on_?!

He darted his eyes around the room to look for anyone who might've been holding him with a mind-control jutsu, but he saw and sensed no one. He offered a shaky smile to Sakura, who was giving him the strangest look. He didn't blame her – he'd be shocked too if she started being all polite. Or at least he'd be wary of hidden agendas.

Naruto glanced to Sasuke, but his eyes flitted back down almost immediately, so he only managed to catch a single raised eyebrow. Huh. He usually never backed down from a chance to scowl at the bastard, but whatever, he was probably just really hungry.

Naruto looked at his spoon. He _willed_ his hand to pick up the spoon. His stomach churned and he started getting dizzy from the effort.

Oh for crying out loud, _pick it up_!

* * *

Sasuke sat by and watched Naruto try to burn a hole into the table with his stare. The idiot was starting to shake and sweat.

Their client was reading some romance novel in one hand and feeding herself with the other. "Hurry it up and eat while it's still hot! I'm not entertaining you all night."

Sasuke hn'd and used his spoon to stir his stew for a bit. Kakashi's bowl was already empty and Sakura was just starting to take a bite. Naruto's bowl was still left untouched.

How…odd. From the gurgling he was hearing from Naruto's stomach, Sasuke'd figured the blond was pretty hungry. Then again, it wasn't the most bizarre thing to happen today. Naruto cleaning? So far that only happened twice a year, and only when Sasuke was standing by with a Kanton jutsu ready to torch Naruto's supply of instant ramen. Sasuke even had to personally decontaminate Naruto's refrigerator each month to ensure the boy didn't give himself food poisoning. Sure it was written up as conditions for his parole since Tsunade-sama favoured Naruto like a violent, doting grandmother, but he was still the one doing it.

Sasuke scooped up a piece of potato and put it in his mouth. Hmm, not bad. A little bland, but not bad. Could use some tomato sauce.

"Finally!" Naruto half-shouted before tucking into the meal. But not in the usual way. Sasuke paused in his eating to watch Naruto lift a shaking spoonful of the soup to his lips and sip at it with his pinky sticking out. On the next scoop, the blond's arm shook so fiercely that the spoon fell right out of his grip and clattered to the table. Stew spattered on Sasuke's sleeve.

At this point, even the old woman stopped mid-chew and mid-page-flip to look up.

"Did you hit your head on something earlier, Naruto?" Sakura asked seriously, her medical side starting to come out as Naruto grabbed a napkin and started dabbing at Sasuke's arm. A sickly, flowery smell hit him and Sasuke pulled away, stared, and watched in stoic bewilderment as Naruto's face flushed bright pink.

"I'm so. Nnn. Sorry." Naruto was having a hard time spitting out those words. His face scrunched up amusingly before he eventually hissed, "You. _Bastard_."

And with that Naruto's eyes rolled up behind his eyelids and he toppled backwards off the mini-stool. Sasuke would've caught him, but he was still in shock from the semi-apology. Luckily Sakura was there in a split-second to make sure Naruto didn't rattle his brain any further.

Sakura did her medic thing, checked Naruto's pulse, pulled open his eyelids, all the while Sasuke and Kakashi kept an eye on their client who was frowning at the two on the floor.

"He just seems to be unconscious right now, though his heart rate's a bit faster than normal and he appears flushed," Sakura concluded after her quick assessment. Now that her 'patient' was deemed stable, Sasuke watched as she turned on their host. "What did you put in the stew?"

"Maa," Kakashi put a hand up to ward off Sakura's accusations. Sasuke gave her a nod as well and she went back to tending to Naruto. "Inoue-san, if you would be so kind…?"

Sasuke refocused on this 'Inoue-san' as she dog-eared her page and put the book down. "Do a good deed and it bites you in the ass," she muttered. In a louder voice, she said, "Potatoes, carrots, peas, beef, and some salt and pepper. Your boy allergic? I should have an EpiPen in storage." She got up and went to the closet. Sasuke watched as she shuffled the boxes around and undid Naruto's tidying in less than 10 seconds. She emerged a minute later, holding an empty vial and wearing a grim expression.

"My nose isn't as good as it used to be. Tell me, girl, do you smell roses on the kid?"

Sakura raised both eyebrows but leaned her face down a bit closer to Naruto. "…Yes, I do." She traced the scent back to its source. "It's right on his collar. What does that mean?"

Inoue-san sighed. "Nothing good. Damn it all, I'm too old for this."

"What is it? Will Naruto be okay?"

Sasuke's chest constricted tight for a second before he breathed out slowly. Surely that damn fox wouldn't let its host get killed by some perfume?

Meanwhile the old woman answered, "It's my feminizing potion. And whether or not the kid'll be okay – we'll have to wait until he wakes up."


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi sighed on the inside as Inoue forged through her convoluted explanation. Apparently whatever was affecting Naruto was developed for future daughters-in-law to take before visiting their fiancés' traditional household. From a single dose, she would be the perfect little housewife for two to three days, all demure and polite despite any cutting criticisms from unhappy in-laws, enough to prevent someone from disputing their union on account of poor etiquette. The potion used to sell for 800 ryou a bottle, before a particularly feminist group caught wind and threatened to shut down production. Now Inoue would only make it on special order for those desperate enough to fork over 10 000 a pop ("…Hazard pay, you ninja know how it is.").

Naruto was on a little cot in the corner, and Kakashi watched as Sakura fussed over her patient and Sasuke pretended not to care but was not-so-secretly stealing glances at the unconscious blond. Kakashi cleared his throat.

"Inoue-san, that's all very interesting, but what does it mean for Naruto here?"

"Well, that depends on how he took it and how much he took. A dose is usually three drops under the tongue, which lasts for a few days. I had about half a bottle left, good for at least fifteen paying customers…"

"So now he's stuck like a girl for the next month?"

"That sounds about right. If he manages to wake up."

"What?"

"He _may_ have fatally overdosed."

"What?"

* * *

Naruto became aware of a distinct lack of dripping noises as he walked down a decidedly less dank and dark pathway towards the Kyuubi's prison. The walls eerily glowed pink and the scent of roses wafted in the air.

"Am I in the right place…?"

He spotted a large, frilly curtain in the distance and jogged up to it. He grabbed an edge and pulled it apart –

"—_IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? SOMEONE—"_

Only to drop it back down quickly. Muffled yelling filtered through the curtain, which, Naruto now noted, had a floral pattern. He shivered and opened the curtain again.

"—_THE MEANING OF THIS!"_

"Alright, alright, no need to yell!" Naruto wiggled a finger in one ear. Kyuubi growled but stopped ranting. "What's up with the new decorations? They're not your usual style."

The grating sound of giant teeth grinding against each other echoed through the chamber.

"I mean, I always thought you were more of a bloody, violent kind of demon, not…" Naruto rubbed the curtain fabric thoughtfully between his fingers.

Grind grind grind.

"Okay, okay," Naruto said, knowing when enough was enough with the fox. It came with practice over the years.

"_We have things to discuss. But first: Get. Rid. Of. This. Veil."_

Naruto shrugged. No problem, it was hideous and creepy anyway. He yanked hard on the fabric, expecting it to rip cleanly down. Nothing happened.

"_Put some muscle into it, brat!"_

"I'm trying!" Naruto pulled harder but the flower print stayed there mocking him. "It's not working."

After some grumbling and threats, Naruto managed to part the curtains and pin them apart to the sides with some fancy kunai work. Almost immediately, the sharp killing tools disappeared into bright pink ribbons.

"…Did you just…?"

"…_Yes."_

Naruto was officially weirded out.

* * *

Sakura ran a diagnostic jutsu on Naruto and kept an open ear on the ongoing conversation. Honestly, creating a potion and marketing it to the general population without determining the toxicity index? It's a miracle it was ever approved for sales.

Heart rate, high-ish. Blood pressure, relatively normal. Temperature, slightly high. Chakra healthy, though it did feel a little weaker than usual. From what she could tell, it didn't seem like Naruto was dying, but one never knew for sure. She kept the jutsu running. Maybe she'd have to draw the poison out like that one time in Sand…

"…and I've never studied its effects on males, so who knows what'll happen?"

Sakura kept an eye on Sasuke for any signs of upset. After coming back to Konoha and being put under house arrest, Sasuke seemed able to tolerate Naruto more, going so far as to clean up Naruto's kitchen once in a while (strangely enough, every second Monday of the month). Clearly the boys got along.

Sasuke looked at Naruto for a brief moment and thinned his lips.

Yes, clearly.

* * *

"So you're saying that your cage suddenly got dark – well, darker anyway – and you couldn't see or hear anything until I opened the curtains?"

"_That's correct."_

"Sweet! I've always wanted a way to shut you up whenever you get annoying."

Kyuubi growled menacingly. _"Don't you _dare_, worthless brat. And it works both ways. It was preventing my chakra from leaving as well."_

"Oh. Well that could be a problem."

"_Indeed."_

"How about now?"

"_Now it's not as bad."_ Kyuubi paused, ears perking up to listen to silence. _"We seem to be in a bit of trouble."_

"What?"

"_You need to wake up. I can't hear very well."_

"What kind of–"

"_Wake up."

* * *

_

Trust the idiot to get himself poisoned with an expired love potion or whatever the heck the old lady was trying to explain. Sasuke was not impressed but he couldn't help but sneak curious looks at his downed self-proclaimed rival. While he was sure Naruto wouldn't die from something so foolish, who knew what the side effects of the potion would be? Inoue was going on about fascinating physiology and Sasuke got a prickly feeling up his spine when he thought of Naruto stuck in his irritating Sexy no Jutsu form. His eyes wandered back to the unconscious blond.

"Oh, Naruto!" Sakura exclaimed, still waving a glowing hand over the murmuring boy's chest. Sasuke took a step closer as their hostess rushed over to examine her victim.

"He's awake, that's a relief."

"Nn…"

"Naruto, can you hear me? How are you feeling?"

Naruto opened his eyes and fluttered his eyelashes like one of those pre-teen girls that liked to giggle around Sasuke. Ugh. Naruto made an odd…mewling…sound and slowly sat up. Then almost immediately, he sat in seiza position, pulling his legs under his bum and resting his hands in his lap all delicate-like. "Haruno-san." Slow nod-slash-bow, his face was still flushed. "I'm feeling quite well, thank you for asking."

The prickly feeling returned and Sasuke had to forcibly stop himself from taking a step back. One almost never saw a polite Naruto unless there was a prank to be sprung just around the corner. It was unnatural.

"Riiight. I'm going to do a check up," Sakura declared, and proceeded to poke and prod at the unfortunate blond. Once Sakura cleared her patient of any signs of impending doom, the short old woman began to speak again.

* * *

Naruto's legs were cramping up, but no matter how much he wanted to stretch them out, the best he managed was wiggling his toes a bit to return some circulation to his poor feet. Was this really how girls were expected to sit _all_ the time?

The old bag's explanation was highly unsatisfactory, but it helped clear up some things, like why he couldn't get in a good glare at the bastard Sasuke without immediately shooting his eyes back down, why he was stuck in this stupid position while Sakura had to be using the most uncomfortable techniques to assess him, and why he wasn't jumping up and down screaming at the unfairness of it all. Kakashi appeared to be very pleased by the situation, and Naruto gave him a small but heartfelt smile. Ugh, he'd _meant_ to stick out his tongue.

It was incredibly bizarre not to be able to control his own body. It was like being possessed by a ghost or something, like in that one play Sakura dragged the team to see.

"_You've always been possessed, brat."_

Naruto rolled his eyes, on the inside, and mentally closed those curtains. At least not everything was bad with this scenario.

"Here's the instruction pamphlet, it gives you a list of possible side effects and things to watch out for. Now that we've established the kid's not on death's door, it's time for my beauty rest. Someone put away the leftovers and clean up. Keep the noise down."

Sakura squawked as Inoue tossed a pink booklet at her and left the room.

Naruto slid his legs off the bed and made to stand up, but the pins and needles feeling caused him to stumble. Right into Sasuke. "Ah-!" Strong arms caught him and he clutched at the warm cotton, hanging on until the unpleasant feeling died away. He then looked up shyly at his saviour's face and breathed, "Thank you, Uchiha-san."

Oh _gag_. Naruto was grateful when Sasuke pushed him away suddenly. Sakura was gaping at the pair and Kakashi had his one visible eye wide with curious amusement.

"Please excuse me," Naruto said, and went to do the dishes.

Damnit, he would never live this down.


End file.
